‘The The Ding Wrong Show’ Returns 8/31

‘The The Ding Wrong Show’ Returns 8/31

Dictated by Panda, transcribed by Mark Aldrich, proofread by Panda

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My best human friend Meghan Jenkins and I produced three episodes of our new comedy improv show The The Ding Wrong Show, starring me, Panda, my best friend Meghan Jenkins, her friends, and me in a mere two weeks.

The The Ding Wrong Show
Meghan and I and our very special guests come together via Zoom and we create comedy and entertaining conversation for a half-hour. Meghan designed, lettered, drew, painted, and glittered the logo for the show, which you can see here, and I am the face, so I think you know what that means. It means a lot about me as a most excellent panda.

So, as the Panda in the title of the show, I realized that I need to hibernate, and for those who planned to watch our next new show on YouTube tomorrow morning, I do not apologize. [Editor’s note: Panda apologizes. Further, Zoom reported service outages all day today, which we experienced in a dress rehearsal. We’re sure Zoom apologizes.] We—and by we, I mean Meghan and me, Panda, and our (her) human friends—will be back on Zoom at 10:00 PST next Monday, August 31.
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Nice Haircut

Nice Haircut

By Mark Aldrich

Years of haircuts experienced on the hair-bearing side taught me the wrong lesson: that I could do it for/to myself and save money.

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Among the many things that are better left to professionals—piloting a jet, performing almost any surgery, copy editing—cutting hair always should be included. I did not know this until the day I learned it.

Cutting hair looks so easy. The professionals talk to you and even chat amongst themselves while they do it, for crying out loud. (Some will even use the word “amongst” while they talk: “Your dark hairs are here, amongst the gray ones.”) How do they do that? If you interrupt me while I merrily type away here, I will pretty much stop typing and begin to glare at you until you decide to ask someone else whatever it is you came to ask me. And how do you know where I live anyway?

One of my barbers back in the early 2000s was a World War II Navy vet who loved to tell stories from his war years while he was wielding his scissors around my scalp. (He was of the old school: No clippers for his customers. “Why give them a cut that they can give themselves?” he would ask-declare. Little did he know how well I knew that lesson. See below.)
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Moving Past Pandemic Panic

Moving Past Pandemic Panic

By Meghan Jenkins

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You’re going to be okay. You know how I know this? The human mind has an incredible ability to adapt to even the most extreme situations. You can live through anything and come out stronger than you ever even imagined. There are people on this planet who have lived through some horrendous, unfathomable situations and have lived. Thrived, even.

Elizabeth Smart, kidnapped and held hostage as a young girl by a terrifying and delusional couple, now has her own interview show where she speaks with people who have gone through similar traumatic situations. You can feel her strength and courage through the screen when you watch. There are so many instances where people have had to endure things that might make you think, “There’s no way anyone could come out okay after this.” Yet they do.
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A Hollywood Beginning

A Hollywood Beginning

He knew people. Had connections. A Brushes-With-Hollywood™ Tale by Mark Aldrich.

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There is a big difference between living a life story about which people say, “That ought to be a movie,” and possessing a life story about which those same people will pay real money to buy the book or sit in a theater to view that movie.

Many people are the stars in a movie that is only being made in their minds (an imaginary camera always accompanies me at the coffee shop), and many people have at least one real-life incident about which the go-to analogy is, “It was just like a movie.” Movies confer reality in our collective consciousness.

Some people get to make those movies, and there is where the relationship between movies and real life sometimes shake hands. If you landed the job of producer or casting director or even stagehand or intern on the crew of a Big Hollywood Anything, every nephew and brother-in-law that you may or may not have ever met might set about to audition via annoying moments for their rightful place beside you on the sound stage.
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Ask Pizza Alien …

Ask Pizza Alien …

Dear Pizza Alien,

I am worried my Great Dane will fall in the pool when I’m not home, so I would like to teach her to swim. Do you have any tips?

Sincerely, Big Dog Daddy Nick

Hi Daddy! I think you are going to want to get a dog life vest from one of those catalogues. And, maybe leave treats by the pool steps. That way, if she falls in, she will still float and will be able to stay happy until you get back.

Love, Pizza Alien

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Dear Pizza Alien,

I was painting my nails in my mom’s bedroom, and spilled the bottle of red polish on the carpet. She’s definitely going to be mad. What do i do?

Help Please, Slippy
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