Hi Mom and Dad!

Maggie here. Yes, I know how to write. Surprise! I understand everything you say, but I just can’t seem to get the words out. Honestly, it would probably terrify you anyway. You would start screaming and call a priest to exorcise the demons out of my cat body and eventually get rid of me. It would be this whole long and dragged-out process.

ANYWHO. I digress.

I’m writing this letter to you both today to give you a little “update” on your performance as my parental units, if you will. I must say it’s been six lovely years living with you and the “children of the corn.” (That movie still gets me.) Speaking of those ones, do they have to chase me around the house and push those dirty feathers in my face? I mean come on. I HAVE standards.

As you know, I am a cat and I require twenty-three hours of uninterrupted sleep a day. It’s science. Google it. Also, my name is “Maggie.” Not, “Cootie” or “Cootie pa tootie” or “Hey! Get out of here you little bitch!” Respect the feline, guys. I could easily poop in your shoes—it’s not just a dog thing.

Now, as far as my feeding schedule: I would prefer bigger portions of the so-called “wet food.” I’m not sure how nutritious this lump of goo really is for my finely tuned physique, but I would really love a fresh slice of raw, wild-caught Alaskan salmon. Also, maybe topped off with a fresh bird head if it’s not too much trouble? Mmmmm … meowww-grrrrrrrr rowwrrr—Oh! I apologize. Just thinking of my past kills gets me going. I digress again.

Last, well, this one is going to be kind of awkward. As you know, I poop in a sandbox. I don’t mind pooping in a sandbox, but would it be too much to ask to just use your toilet? I mean, I already do when you guys are gone. It’s an ingenious invention, I must say. Four paws up for that! (Ha, cat pun.) Seriously though, you try relieving yourself in a box while the whole family is staring at you and yelling foul and rude remarks. It’s downright humiliating. And what do you do with those things? One minute I’m covering up my indiscretions, and the next minute you’re over here putting them in a bag. Do you sell my poo on the black market? Is it valuable? If so, why am I not getting a cut? So many questions …

Well guys, my paws are getting tired and it’s time for another nap. I’m also getting really bored. I will await your responses with the utmost patience and gratitude. But if you don’t make these changes I WILL poo in your shoes. As I mentioned previously. So just do it. Right “meow.” Another cat pun. Okay, Maggie, Out.

(Maggie’s typed thoughts were edited and formatted by Natassia Hudecova.)

* * * *
Natassia Hudecova is an office manager with a nonprofit located in Orange County, CA. She is a happily married cat mom with kids.

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