Dear Pizza Alien,

I finally found some friends and have been having a good time hanging out with them at my house when my mom’s not home. (We aren’t doing anything bad.) We listen to music and lift weights and just talk and stuff. But my mom has these two renters at the house and all of my friends and I are under 18. I’m concerned that they are only still staying at the house because they are attracted to my friends that are girls. I haven’t said anything yet, and maybe they’re attracted to my friends that are boys. Either way, I just don’t understand why anyone would want to live with a bunch of underage kids they aren’t related too. I would like, want a calmer space I could bring dates home too. What should I do?

Signed, Jailbait Jimmy

Dear Jimmy,

That sure seems weird. Ummm … I’m not sure what area you are from since your letter didn’t say, but I do think you are okay for wondering about the renters’ motives. Even though it’s pandemic times, if your family is comfortable having people over they should be comfortable enough to check around locally for diff living situation. Maybe, you can trap them: set up traps and tape their reactions to all your friends male and female and keep record of it to show police if necessary. You are so smart for noticing this Jimmy. Good luck!!!

(Appropriate) Hugs.

Love, Pizza Alien

* * * *
Dear Pizza Alien,

My damn socks get dirty on the bottom all the time and I hate it. I don’t want to have to wear socks and shoes but I just want to wear socks and keep them clean. I don’t want to put stuff over them like work slip paper booties cause that’s dumb I just want my socks to stay clean and not get hairs in the bottom or crumbs from muffins. I mean WTF I’m not gonna clean my damn floor all the time I have a life.


Dear Daniel,

Woah. Just get a bunch of socks. And sit down more. Stop walking around so much. Put on your socks and lay down. Relax. You should relax, Daniel. It’s just socks. Things are always going to happen that bother us, Daniel, but it’s how you react to it that matters. Maybe put on, like, four pairs of socks. Layer them. And then, throughout your sock-wearing day, take a layer off and then, oooooooo yessss, hello fresh socks. I love you Daniel.

Love, Pizza Alien

* * * *
Dear Pizza Alien,

I’m in a pickle. I mean an actual pickle. I heard that it feels so nice and then my sister walked in and screamed and now I can’t stop thinking about my sister. And pickles. My sister won’t talk to me anymore. My mom is super mad and keeps hiding the pickle jars and crying. What do I do.

Hugs, Pickle Dick

Dear Confusing Guy,

Is this a joke question? Did I get my first joke question? It’s weird. I think you should just do what makes u happy and don’t touch your sister if she doesn’t want it. Amazon sells pickles, so u can just get more I guess. Maybe move out though. You’re gonna make things uncomfortable at home probably since this is now out in the open. Good luck.

Pizza Alien

* * * *
Dear Pizza Alien,

What is your favorite kind of pizza? And what is your least favorite?

So much LOVE, Hilary DiStanislo

Dear Hilary, THANK YOU!!!

I LOVE all kinds of pizza. I am not fond of olives or sardines on my pizza, but anything else: fair game. A plain cheese with tomato slices is a beautiful treat on a sunny afternoon day … and veggies and meats and all of it is great nighttime predinner snack. I DON’T like Pizza Hut. It tastes funny to me. Little Caesar’s is good. What A Lotta Pizza is super good too. And this place called Lampost. I make gluten-free pizza at my shop, though, and OMG it’s sooooooo good you’re gonna have to try it. It’s all gluten-free. And it’s sparkly inside. You’ll see. YAY!!!!

Love, Pizza Alien

* * * *
Dear Pizza Alien,

What am I supposed to do with all of the extra buttons that come with the clothes I buy? Thank you for your advice in advance.


Dear Kevin. Oh my goodness, you are so lucky you have no idea. Glue them all together and see how tall the button tower gets. U can put it outside for decoration—or inside for decoration! You can use it to get things from under the couch, or to pass a piece of paper to someone across the room. (If you put something sticky on one end first. That’s one of those things that goes without saying that needed to be said.) There are so many possibilities for you, Kevin!!!!

Love, Pizza Alien

* * * *
Pizza Alien will appear in a book to be published in September 2020, The Adventures of Pizza Alien, written with Meghan Jenkins, and is the star of a film by the same title, soon to be seen everywhere, which is written, directed, and produced by Ms. Jenkins.

Follow Meghan on Instagram!

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

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