By Mark Aldrich
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As an unattractive man, I learned early in life that if I desired attention, I needed to develop skills to compensate for my inelegant face. Mind you, I am not repugnant by most standards, but the most notable thing about my features is their lack of any notable features: everything that a conventionally handsome man has, I possess as well … but not quite as much or too much. (So much detail lives in the “…” that I employed above.)

Around age ten I discovered that I could make my classmates laugh on purpose. That laughter sounded like the key, the lock, and the door itself. An earned laugh remains the one thing I want more than almost anything else in social exchanges. The other two things are: continuous unearned credit for wisdom, and instant (see: unearned) yet endless desire of me from members of the opposite sex. Because I am not a well-educated man (there goes wisdom), and I am not physically attractive (see above), I most often opt for the laugh as the quickest means by which to establish a connection with any other human being.

For some reason, women of my acquaintance tend to make the best audience for my expressions of humor. This is one of those facts of my life that I choose to leave unexamined, but most men of the species when they hear a joke or a retort from me will show approval with a comment. “That’s a good one, Mark,” is not laughter, not exactly, so I do not refuse praise, but most women who like one of my jocular ripostes will laugh, and many will then participate in the comedy, as well. I have had many moments of impromptu live improv with female friends, almost none of whom are comedians. Those moments have been some of the best that life offers. No dates have ensued, but … .

(That “…” there carries so many stories. Poor, sad ellipsis.)
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