By John Carbone
[John Carbone is a musician/drummer who resides in Long Beach, California, and has worked as a limousine driver to supplement his income.]
MeghaZine is proud to publish John’s “Limo Diaries.”
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•3:30: Arrived @ guests’. I checked stereo before they entered.
•3:45: They asked how to work the A/C & stereo. I tried several times & was stumped. The stereo was on minutes ago.
•Their friends brought a boombox & took too much time for us to stop @ limo boss’ mechanic’s shop.
•We were on the northbound 405 @ Artesia when the right rear tire blew out.
•I got us six lanes over to the R quickly & then realized that along with the blown tire, it knocked an antifreeze hose off of its connection.
•I called AAA, was on hold seven minutes, went to a call box & got through quicker. My boss called & said that when one calls from a callbox, the police come … which wasn’t good since I was a C-class driver driving a B-class vehicle. Also, if we had a jack & a lug wrench, then we wouldn’t have needed AAA’s assistance.
•A guy pulled up in a Lexus to help out. He has a good-sized jack, but no hammer to knock off the lug cover, which was Crazy Glue’d on. Just then, AAA arrived, and he left.
•Guests took cabs to restaurant & I dealt with AAA.
•The limo company membership didn’t cover the job, so I had to pay $65 (to be compensated later).
•Their jack couldn’t lift the vehicle, so AAA called for backup. Two jacks were needed to do job.
•Job was done ninety minutes after first arrival at customer’s. Now I need a hose clip & more antifreeze.
•I paid for these via credit card. On the way to the exit ramp the receipt flies out of the car! (Turns out to be a piece of paper I didn’t miss … to this day I don’t know what it was.)
•I bought antifreeze at a station, but they had no clamps. Time was of essence, receipt got clogged, it was all going wrong! I was given bad directions to a Pepboy’s auto parts store and rode around Compton, Carson, Lawndale for thirty minutes. I found Pepboy’s at 9:01 p.m. & since they closed one minute previously, they would not answer the door!
•Went next door to Chevron for strings or zip ties, anything to fashion a clamp. They gave me some mop string (which broke apart right away).
•The boss navigated me to Target, I got there, floor worker said sorry but automotive only had fluff & no clamps. He helpfully told me that the garden center would have had them, but the garden center inside the store closes three hours before the rest of the store. (!)
•I bought a tube of zip ties, then noticed a Home Depot open next door. Now 9:45 p.m., I went in, found a clamp & screwdriver, brought them to the counter. Clamp had no barcode on it. the checkout girl did three intercom price checks, but no one answered! She told me I had to go to the aisle, get one with the barcode & bring it back. Got one, paid for it, left. It was now 10:05 p.m.
•Finally headed to restaurant (twenty minutes away), arrived, guests came out by 11:15 p.m. They went to another bar & three of them stayed in car. At this time we noticed that the only things that worked in the back were the A/C at low setting & the dome lights, but dim.
•On the drive home, I stopped for gas & when I turned the power back on the lights were gone!
•Guests were gracious and they tipped well. The next day I took the car for service. The owner (a rather despicable person) had the nerve to get in a shouting match with me for “not being a team player.”
* * * *
I was at the limo owner’s house, after bringing him in his limo to get another car. Some eleven-year-old neighborhood kid walks up to the window and says, “Can you drive me around the neighborhood for $5?”
I reply, “Little man, you’re going to have to multiply that $5 by a hundred.” Moments later the owner starts to approach the car, and I say, “There’s the owner. This is his car. You can ask him if we’ll drive you around, but it’s probably a no-go. We have some important business to attend to.”
Then a group of neighborhood kids come around and ask where we’re going. The owner say: “To a strip club.” All the kids react, “Oh, cool!” I say, “You all know what a strip club is?” They say, “Of course!” So I tell them, “It’s one of those places where they strip old paint off furniture.”
The kids shake their heads and say, “Uh-nuh!! It’s one of those places where women ….” (The limo owner and I learned that they knew what a strip club is.)
* * * *
Girl to her boyfriend: “Keep your mouth shut when you’re talking to me!”
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Dear very, very, very, very, very, very drunk girl with the ultra-small white mini-dress,
I never got to thank you for taking the two dozen roses (that your coke dealer boyfriend bought you) and decorating the entire inside of my limo with shredded rose petals at the end of the night. This only added another fifteen minutes to my clean-up time.
Oh, I almost forgot: when you were stumbling toward the limo after leaving the club, you fell to the ground in a drunken stupor. So, as your b/f was lifting you off the ground, I (along with about twenty other people watching) noticed that you forgot to wear panties!! :O
The Limo Meister
Meghan Jenkins is an actor, comedian, radio personality, artist, author, musician, model.
The Adventures of Pizza Alien, the brand-new book by Meghan Jenkins, is out now and is available through Lulu.com and the online book retailers Amazon and Barnes & Noble. The Adventures of Pizza Alien is available for $18.
Meghan is a brand ambassador for Pineapple Clothing. Use the code “MegJen” for a 20% discount!
Meghan released Panda’s Dance Party, her debut album, in December 2020. It is available to purchase, download, and stream on every music platform: Spotify, Apple Music, iTunes Store, Amazon Music, deezer, Tidal, Pandora, Juno Download.
A social media influencer, in the spring of 2020 her photos of life in quarantine led to an invitation from Maxim magazine to participate in a cover model contest for which readers could submit votes. Her grassroots campaign against professional models brought her to a third-place finish.
She is the founder and host of the live comedy improv show The The Ding Wrong Show, recorded on Zoom and seen on YouTube:
In 2018-’19, she was one of the feature performers in the longest running improv comedy show at The World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California, The Ding Dong Show.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.