[Editor’s Note: With Season One of the Mark Aldrich and Panda sketch comedy show now available, Panda noticed that she now has fans online who want to know more about her, so she has decided to write and publish a blog about her life. By the way, if you have not started to watch, episodes one through six (with extras!) of Mark Aldrich and Panda are available on YouTube, and each episode is about ten minutes long and hilarious, if I say so myself, as Panda’s co-star. And now, here’s Panda with week five of Panda’s Blog.—Mark]
* * * *
It’s MONDAY by Panda
Monday, 7:30 a.m.: Happy Day After Halloween! Also, All Saints Day! I know about both! I had a lot of fun yesterday, Mark and I got on tin can phones and Aldramark was a hot dog for their first Halloween. Here’s a video from it:
I was going to be so many different things and had Meghan start making all these costumes and I kept changing my mind. I decided to be a Pumpkin again like last year. I just love it. I had waffles too!
Meghan’s dad put on a lady’s shirt on accident. It was so funny. He said, “It’s way too small!” He thought it was his shirt by mistake. Meghan wanted me to stay inside so I wouldn’t get into trouble but I got out a little bit. I said hello to everyone and I said, “Say thank you!” Because that’s what everyone says:
And you scream all of it. And you get snacks. I can’t have the gum. I want the gum so bad. It can get stuck in my fur tho’. I’m gonna figure out where Meghan hid the gum. I’ll have some. It will be ok and I’ll be careful. Speaking about Meghan, she won some kind of a fake contest about dogs and said I have to help take pictures since she helps me all the time. I said, “Ok,” because I have a bullhorn and I’ll be really good at photo directing. This will be me:
“SMILE!!! POSE!! POSE AGAIN!! SMILE BETTER!! POSE FASTER !! FAKE SWIM!! SMILE!!! LOOK AT THE CAMERA! KICK!! KICK!! LEG KICK!! SMILE!!”
Meghan and I got Mark a cake for his birthday and something else for his birthday and I’m not supposed to tell him. [EDITOR’S NOTE: And now I know.—Mark.] I couldn’t figure out what to make that he would want to buy so Meghan bought him stuff and it’s gonna be from me too. I feel accomplished again.
Oh!! And my third album that Meghan did is out soon. Maybe today. Or maybe the 10th. I don’t know. But it’s coming out now or in a couple of days. I want to have a listening party like Kayne. I have a lot to say today so far!
Monday, 9:38 a.m.: Hello again! It’s me Panda. How are you? I am good. I just put socks on and stirred soup. I checked again if the album was ready to share yet, and it’s not. I’ll keep asking. Meghan says the 10th is the official release date from the production company. So the 10th. But maybe before. I’m going to go stretch my neck. It feels good. I don’t have sheets on my bed right now because I did rugs last night and ran out of time and now I have to wait till tonight again for the washer because everyone uses it during the day. I’m laying on my bed even tho’ Meghan said, “Don’t get on the bed until I put the sheets on please.” But she’s in the other room making me more waffles. I’ll get down right now. I just did. I promise. I don’t want to sit on anything else tho’ because it’s not clean yet. I’m going to stand or get in the bath maybe. And then trampoline.
Monday, 11:31 a.m.: Today is a cleaning day! Here are my dishes :
And I have Oxyclean and dish soap in the jacuzzi tub, so the bath is getting a bath.
The dishes have been in the sink for like, six days … that’s ok! There is another sink. Time to turn the jets off in the tub now and drain.
Monday, 11:50 a.m.: I just finished a cup of Earl Grey tea because I’ve gotten really into teas lately instead of coffee. Since I’m famous now and on camera I’m a little sensitive about the dark circles under my eyes. Meghan said coffee isn’t good for looks, so now I drink tea. It’s good! This one has so much caffeine tho’ that I feel buzzy. I’m going to try to not get in trouble but I don’t know what’s going to happen. It won’t really be my fault. Meghan just said, “Oh no. No more Earl Grey for Panda.” I’m ok tho’. I’m just laying on my belly right now on the ground. I’m not doing anything bad.
Xoxo Love, Panda!
P.S. I can’t wait for Mark to get his Iowa stuff and cake!!!
Monday, 12:00 p.m.: Hey, Diary, have you seen this show called Extreme Couponing? These people get SO MUCH FOOD for NOTHING. Or barely nothing. Like $2. I want to get into this. It could be a new hobby. I love the grocery store, and I never have any money. Where are the coupons? Where do I go? I don’t know. Also why do they buy so much of everything? Like if a BBQ sauce is .15 cents then just get one. Or three. Not eighty. Why so much? Do I have to have a stockpile that looks like the grocery store to be an “extreme couponer?” Or can I just be like, “I’d like four blocks of cheese please,” and, “I’ll take one carrot juice sir, thank you so much.” Do I have to make everyone who works in the store do everything for me? I don’t want to do that I don’t think. I don’t need 300 sodas. Or 45 bottles of ranch dressing. I guess some people do, but I don’t know where I’d even put it. And what if it doesn’t last as long and I’d have to eat it all in one week? I’ll get fat. And nothing against getting fat because I do think it’s pretty, I like fat. I’m just a little panda though, I’m smaller than other pandas and if I get too fat my feet hurt a lot and I am a motivator for other pandas so I gotta stay light on my feet. That’s the only reason. Give me a big fat squishy hug, and if you don’t yell at me, I’ll never let you go. Fat. Fluffy. Feathers. I like all of the F words.
Monday, 12:27 p.m.: I’m not as jittery anymore. Turns out I just had to go to the bathroom … . I think I’m allowed more Earl Gray tea now, but I’m not sure. I have to ask.
Monday, 1:35 p.m.: I just took an IQ test! I got a 94!!!! I’m very smart. I think I’m going to be an even better motivator now that I know how intelligent I am. I will be a Panda superstar. “Panda Panda”<— My name will be in lights. And I'll have a red carpet. And Mark is there. Because smartie-pantses stick together. I'm going to call MENSA later and tell them I’m coming. I bet that’s the meetings Mark is always at. I’m gonna sit next to him. If we rotate snack weeks I want three weeks from now so I’ll have time to see what everyone else brings and then I can make something even better and I’ll win. If they don’t like my snacks tho’; my feelings will get hurt and I might get in a big fight with a lot of nerds.
Xoxo Love, Panda Ph.D. 🐼
Monday, 4:51 p.m.: I just watched Meghan make a Facebook page for my show with Mark. It’s alright. She was just staring at the computer tho’, nothing exciting happened. I’m cold. Oh! I got new gummy vitamins today. Meghan got her My True 10 Perez Hilton gummies and I got mine. Beauty sleep💞. Because I’m beautiful.
Here are the My True 10 that Meghan got she said, “Put a picture of these in your blog too, please.”
I still haven’t washed my dishes yet. I got distracted. I have taken two baths so far today. I have tomato basil soup for dinner. I made it myself. I put the soup in the crockpot and then picked the basil from outside and stirred it in. It smells good.
Monday, 6:50 p.m.: It’s dark now, I’m going to bed soon. I didn’t have a nap today, so I am so tired. Goodnight! Love, Panda!
P.S. I had to choose a different music album cover because Ditto Music didn’t like what I picked at first. I choose sprinkles as my second choice. It looks different from the first two albums because those were a pair, and now this one is new. Panda’s Dance Party 3 will be out this week! I think. Goodnight again!! Xoxo, Panda.
* * * *
Tuesday, 8:55 a.m.: It’s Tuesday again! I had my new gummy vitals last night, Beauty Sleep, but when I opened the container all the gummies were kinda stuck together into a ball, so I just pulled two apart. It was weird falling asleep at first I was like woah something is making me fall asleep and I got scared I was going to die so I started panicking and made myself stay awake, but then I was like oh no if you don’t sleep you die too so I thought OMG I’m going to die either way I might as well die in my sleep, so I just made myself relax and go to sleep and look!!! I’m alive!!! I was so happy this morning when I woke up.
Tuesday, 10:19 a.m.: I almost wrote Monday again. I don’t know why I always think Tuesday is Monday. Trash day is Monday. It’s very different from Tuesday. Maybe it feels like Monday to me because it’s like, “Ah, the trash is finally gone and we can start anew. What a good start to the week.” So Tuesday feels like Monday. I think I like both days equally well. I don’t have a favorite.
Tuesday, 4:26 p.m.: I took a nap. I woke up a little bit ago. I had to make up for no nap yesterday. My ears were cold, so I got in the bath and now I have sweats on and I put soup in the crockpots so it’s soup bedder dinner tonight! Split pea is one of them and the other is tomato basil. I am also going to stretch and go on the elliptical. And then stretch again after. To avoid lactic acid buildup. I’m hungry now. I don’t know which soup I’m going to eat first. Probably split pea. It’s thicker and feels more like food. Also! I’ve been doing good on my diet I lost 10 lbs. already! I still can’t have cheese again yet. It’s fine, but I still think about it all day everyday. I miss cheese so much. I’m going to probably not blog any anymore tonight because I’m feeling lazy. I’ll talk to you tomorrow diary! Xoxo Love, Panda!
* * * *
WEDNESDAY Day and Night
Wednesday, 11:48 a.m.: I planted some poppy seeds and watered the plants and took a bath & brushed my fur. I wanted to see what would happen if I didn’t blog today and also what would happen if I didn’t chew my gummy vitamins thoroughly. But then I realized Thursday’s blog might be full of regrets. I was just feeling dangerous for a minute. But here I am, I am in my blog and I chewed my vitamins like I was supposed too. And brushed my teeth and got dressed. Even though I didn’t really want to do any of it. It’s so much work getting ready. There are too many little steps. It’s frustrating.
Wednesday, 12:14 p.m.: Oh!!!!! I was grumpy for a little bit, I don’t know why but I’m not now because I just realized it’s MAGNIFICENT GLASS WEDNESDAY! “Magnificent Glass Pelican” is on today at 4:30 p.m. Hollywood time / 7:30 New York time. Mark is in New York. And he’s also on “Magnificent Glass Pelican.” I bet we are having another listening party again today maybe that’s why Meghan told me to get all ready and wash my ears extra good. Yay! I’m excited now. I’m going to pick out an outfit and make waffles with honey. And tea! We won’t have a tea party tho’ this time, we are gonna have Waffles Party. “Magnificent Glass Pelican Waffles Party Wednesday!!!!!”
Wednesday, 4:26 p.m.: It’s almost “Magnificent Glass Pelican” time!
& here are my waffles:
I only have tiny plates. It’s not one giant waffle. It’s one regular waffle and a lot of tiny tiny plates.
Wednesday, 5:00 p.m.: I think they were talking about me again on this show. Meghan said, “Panda, you asked Mark last week and he said no they aren’t. You have to get a hold of yourself.” And I said, “Ok.” But like, I still think they are. I just won’t say it out loud anymore so people don’t think I’m crazy. I’m not crazy. I’m Panda. And my third album Panda’s Dance Party is gonna be out this week. And I don’t think that God wrote it for me. Meghan wrote it for me.
Wednesday, 5:45 p.m.: Haha! I just watched an unaired episode of Mark Aldrich and Panda. I’m a game show host in this one. I think Mark does the best job of putting these shows together. He said something very nice in the Markologue in the show about keeping me safe so maybe Meghan was right and Magnificent Glass Pelican wasn’t making fun of me. Mark just put the episode on YouTube between when I wrote this and now when you are reading this:
Mon … WAIT, WEDNESDAY, 5:50 p.m.: I almost just wrote Monday again. What is wrong with me. I’m going to go to bed early tonight Meghan says she thinks I just need some sleep. I think it’s cheese deprivation tho’. She said, “It’s not.” But I think if I had some cheese we’d all be happier. Oh, I have to go on the elliptical. blah blah blah blah and then sleep. It’s 5:54 p.m. now. WEDNESDAY. See, I’m fine. I know what day it is. Goodnight! Xoxox Love, Panda!
Wednesday, 7:33 p.m.: Ok, I did one more thing: I gave Cooper a bath. He loved it. He’s on the bed now covered with towels. Here is a photo:
* * * *
Thursday, 10:08 a.m.: I haven’t felt like blogging all this week. I’m doing it anyway and I’m proud of myself. I don’t know why either, because I love blogging and doing things. I think just because I’m committed to doing it, there’s a little bit of pressure but not really because I know everything I write is good, it’s just that now I have to pay attention to what I’m doing. That’s it I think. It’s a little bit of work to pay attention to what I’m doing instead of just doing it. I think I’m a better panda for it tho’, and I’d recommend blogging to other pandas. If any of them ever asked me, “Panda, should I start a daily blog?” I’d say, “Yes!’ Ok, now it’s 10:11. My blanket is going to be out of the dryer in twenty minutes. I have on nude fishnet tights, light pink socks, blue shoes, white shirt with big lemons on it like they were painted, and jean shorts. Not the long jean shorts with the rips in them but the short ones with cuffs rolled up to the butt. The shirt is longer than the shorts. That’s ok! Because it’s cute. I look cute. Xoxox, Panda!
Thursday, 10:20 a.m.: I am going to take Cooper on a walk! I get to hold the leash. It’s cold, so I’m going to put on a big black police jacket. I need gloves I think. I don’t have any. Today I put my shoes on shoe, shoe, then laces, laces. Sometimes I do sock, shoe, sock, shoe. Other times I’ll do sock, sock, shoe, laces, shoe, laces. And other times I’ll do sock, shoe, laces, sock, shoe, laces. I saw something once that said only psychopaths put on their shoes sock, shoe, sock, shoe. I guess I’m an extra psychopath.
Thursday, 11:30 a.m.: I am back from the walk, I had a good time! We saw one of Cooper’s friends, Shadow. I matched everyone. I had a red scarf on and Cooper has a red collar, and Shadow has black and white fur like I do. I don’t have a picture. I am sorry. I wasn’t allowed to bring this blog on the walk. I was told, “Panda, you have to pay attention to what’s going on, so no fussing with the phone. You should leave it here.” And now I have proof of why I always should be allowed to have my phone. Hmmm. I’ll draw a picture of it instead:
Thursday, 2:30 p.m.: I am going to go outside and water the poppy seeds and the grass. I sneezed just now. Bless me.
Thursday, 3:30 p.m.: I’m going to take a bath and a nap. Not because I need them, but because I want them. I deserve it. I’m worth it. Cover girl. Oh! I almost forgot I have scheduled Meghan’s photo shoot for tomorrow. I have music and water and snacks and the lights all ready. She better not make stupid faces or show up ugly. I want my photographs to be good. She said she’ll do everything I tell her to. So that’s good.
Thursday, 4:59 p.m.: I was woken up from my nap by Meghan saying, “Someone help me,” and I saw her cleaning out drawers that belonged to her mom. There is a bag full of trash and all kinds scraps of paper with peoples’ phone numbers on them written. The same thing written over and over and then placed in Ziplock baggies. There were no nice notes left behind for Meghan. But she is laughing at some stuff she finds, and I think having a good time. She seems a LITTLE sad maybe, but I think too much. I don’t know. She just hugged me and said, “Thank you for holding the trash bag open Panda. This is the best help.” And then we threw away tiny empty boxes and papers with emails on them from back in 2003. Cooper just got back from the park. He says hi. Aldramark says hi too. Aldramark and Cooper have become good friends the past couple of days. It’s really neat. Now we are all friends! Together! I want to get a backpack so I can put Cooper in it and take him for rides on my bicycles. He won’t fit in the basket … I tried already. Aldramark fits in the basket tho’. Aldramark can be in the basket and Cooper can ride on my back. I’m getting better so it will be safe soon.
Thursday, 5:10 p.m.: Meghan just said, “No way is Cooper going to ride on your back on the bicycle.” I laughed and said, “Don’t worry, I was kidding.” But I wasn’t kidding. I’m a little disappointed but I understand. Ok that’s enough blogging tonight I am going to go find something private to do.
Xoxox Love, Panda!!
* * * *
Friday, 5:01 p.m.: Hello Diary! I am so sorry I was painting and busy earlier, that’s why I’m not blogging till now. I was doing a lot of things: 1) I sprayed down the pee pee smell in the backyard with cleaner that came in the mail. And then 2) I am helping redecorate a bathroom a little bit, making it cleaned up perfect. I got to paint the floor. It’s drying now. Um, what else. 3) Oh!!!!! I spray tanned Meghan. As part of my professional photographer session I offered free spray tan. I’ve never done it before. She said if it comes out streaky we have to reschedule because “Woofers Weekly” said, “No spray tans, no acrylics, no dogs.”
Friday, 5:49 p.m.: We are rescheduling the photo shoot. I didn’t do as good of a job as I thought with the spray tan. It’s ok though. Meghan just sent an email and asked if we could use the two-week extension. “Woofers Weekly: The dog owners’ magazine for dog owners about dog owners, without their dogs” comes out every other month, so there is time. Meghan will on the December cover of “Woofers.”
Friday, 6:30 p.m.: I am listening to ABBA. I like it. Meghan asked me to tell her which song I liked the most off of the new album, because she and Mark are writing an album review on ABBA. I don’t know which song I like the most yet because I haven’t heard the whole thing. I like the first two songs a lot already. Her and Mark’s review and my fav song will be in the album review. It will be out I think next week. In MeghaZine. The best magazine in the world!!!!!!!
Xoxox Love, Panda!
Meghan Jenkins is an actor, comedian, radio personality, artist, author, musician, model.
Meghan is a brand ambassador for Pineapple Clothing. Use the code “MegJen” for a 20% discount!
Meghan’s brand new internet comedy show, “Mark Aldrich and Panda,” debuted in August 2021:
The Adventures of Pizza Alien, a novel of interlocking short stories by Meghan Jenkins, is out now and is available through Lulu.com and the online book retailers Amazon and Barnes & Noble. The Adventures of Pizza Alien is available for $18.
Panda’s Dance Party, Meghan’s first music album, was released in December 2020. It is available to purchase, download, and stream on every music platform: Spotify, Apple Music, iTunes Store, Amazon Music, deezer, Tidal, Pandora, Juno Download.
A social media influencer, in the spring of 2020 her photos of life in quarantine led to an invitation from Maxim magazine to participate in a cover model contest for which readers could submit votes. Her grassroots campaign against professional models brought her to a third-place finish.
Meghan is the founder and host of the live comedy improv show The The Ding Wrong Show, recorded on Zoom and seen on YouTube:
In 2018-’19, she was one of the feature performers in the longest running improv comedy show at The World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California, The Ding Dong Show.
Follow Meghan on Instagram!
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.