By Panda Panda
[Editor’s Note: With the Mark Aldrich and Panda sketch comedy show now complete, Panda would like to speak with her fans online who want to know more about her. Thus she has decided to write and publish a blog about her life. By the way, if you have not started to watch, episodes one through six of Mark Aldrich and Panda are available on YouTube, and each episode is about ten minutes long and hilarious, if I say so myself.
Panda and I read her first blog entry together for an episode of the show. Part One is here:
And now, here’s Panda with week sixteen of Panda’s Blog.—Mark]
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MONDAY by Panda
Monday, 6:20 p.m.: I’m so excited it’s Monday again. I’m not excited I forgot to blog all day. I got a new headset microphone for my show and I was watching the tracking all day on the computer for when it would arrive. When it finally got here I was so excited I told Mark and we did a test run on Zoom. I also watered the backyard and played with Cooper I have pictures:
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Tuesday, 6:31 a.m.: It’s Tuesday. 6:31 a.m. It’s time to get serious. No more blog forgetting this week. I woke up early and I gave Cooper his pill he has to take and I put stuff in the laundry before Meghan’s mom’s nanny gets here and even tho’ the wash will still be going when she gets here and nanny will probably roll her eyes I don’t care. Because I don’t. She will wash one thing at a time all day, no one else does anything and Meghan and I clean out the closets and the garage and the yard and all of it so the nanny can roll her eyes all she wants I say. Meghan wants to be more out of the way, but I don’t. It’s stupid to have to stay out of the way.
Tuesday, 6:44 a.m.: I just kissed Cooper on the head. He’s in a chair looking out the window because Cooper, Meghan, Me and Aldramark make sure it’s safe around here. I am the strongest and the fastest of all four of us, so Meghan gave me extra permission to override any and all major safety decisions. I also had to take a quiz on logic and probability and I passed. 100%. I don’t know how. I didn’t even study. Oh yeah. I forgot that I’m a genius. I guess that’s how. I take it very seriously tho’. Safety I mean.
Tuesday, 6:56 a.m.: Meghan is laughing she just saw a video on Perez Hilton’s page and said, “Look Panda, this is gonna be me when I’m old,” and it was this grandma making a video for Taylor Swift inviting her out to a restaurant with them in Providence after (or before?) her show. Bea’s. I hope Taylor Swift goes to Bea’s. I think she would have a good time. That family seems awesome.
Meghan just now said look at this one and it was a video of a cat having slippers on its feet. I like this too. The cat really likes it as well I think. I have one hour before Meghan’s Mom’s nanny gets here. She’s not supposed to talk to either one of us. She is allowed to talk to Cooper. I don’t know. I just make sure it’s safe and that we have fun because that’s what I’m good at and so far so good.
Tuesday, 7:32 a.m.: Meghan and I just had a talk and I asked why her mom is still here instead of somewhere else where there are more people trained to take care of her. Meghan said, “My dad doesn’t want to put her in one of those. It’s better for her to be home and not sexually assaulted by staff.” So then I went and asked Meghan’s dad about it, and he said it’s more expensive to have her in a facility and even tho’ that makes no sense to me we just have to do the best we can. It’s ok. I’ll figure it out and handle it. I have fun here still, and do stuff stuff and I get to talk to Mark and everyone on Instagram. Maybe it will make me a better motivator to the pandas because sometimes I don’t feel like doing anything but I have to, and maybe they just don’t want to do things either sometimes. I understand it now. I have a little knot in one of my arms from when I was sawing off branches in the backyard. Meghan is rubbing it right now it feels so good. She used to be a massage therapist for three weeks. She was really good she said. I believe her: this feels amazing. Xoxo Panda ❤️
Tuesday, 7:48 a.m.: The Kardashians are on. They are gonna get cuddled professionally. I think I’d be a good professional cuddle giver. Panda’s Cuddles. Cuddle Panda. Puddles. I’ll call it Puddles. “You seem so relaxed and happy! Did you go to Puddles today?” “Yes, I did! Thank you for noticing!” “Did you get to see Panda or did you have one of her cuddle instructors?” “I got to see and cuddle with Panda herself. I paid extra and it was WORTH IT. Panda cuddles are the best.” <— that’s a conversation on the street between two ladies who are friends.
From left to right worst up to best, but the worst isn’t awful at all. They are ok. I didn’t include the goodnight gummies because I have to stay awake to blog so those don’t get included in the flavor rankings. It’s “N/A.”
Tuesday, 8:07 a.m.: I get to make more promos. Meghan told me to go watch something and pick out my favorite parts and write them on a paper along with ideas on how to put it together. She is training me to be a professional comedian. I think I’m doing pretty ok so far. I forget to do some things sometimes but it’s ok it’s not a big deal. Mark also is helping me a lot because he was almost run over by John Waters on a bicycle. Mark knows how to avoid danger in entertainment.
Tuesday, 8:15 a.m.: When the nanny got here the very first thing she said to Meghan’s dad was, “Did you enjoy your one-hour nap.” And now I can’t get that sentence out of my head it just keeps repeating over and over and over. DID YOU ENJOY YOUR ONE HOUR NAP? Did he??? I don’t know. I might never know. But that’s probably going to be the title of one of the songs on Panda’s Dance Party 4 maybe. I don’t want to have to pay the nanny for that sentence tho’. Maybe I’ll change it to, “Did you enjoy your one-hour bath?” Because that’s what I thought she said at first, and Meghan said, “No, she said nap. I think she was trying to make a joke about him never getting any sleep because my mom keeps him up all night sometimes.” And I said, “Oooooo,” and ever since DID YOU ENJOY YOUR ONE HOUR NAP has been stuck in my head. Like a song. But a sentence. No matter how many other sentences I write or think about I can still hear that one. It’s not upsetting just distracting but also fun and full of possibilities.
Tuesday, 9:46 a.m.: I thought of the perfect promo idea, and I sent it to Mark. He said he is in a meeting. So I sent him eight more messages. [Editor’s Note: This is true.] I don’t know why. I had stuff to say! He also said no worries because his phone was on silent so I thought, “Great!” I am in the bath now and relaxing and reading Martha Stewart How to Do Anything so I know how to do everything perfectly.
Tuesday, 10:03 a.m.: I just noticed there are still blood splatter clings on the windows and “help” written in blood on another window. Meghan wants to leave it up, but I’m going to take it down today because Halloween is over. I have to use a hairdryer to warm it up then peel off. I’m going to get to use the extension cord. There is stuff in Martha’s book about getting blood out but this is different: Don’t use a hairdryer on real blood.
I’m 113 pounds right now. That’s still too big for my frame because I don’t feel super spry just yet but no cheese is going well and my dresses fit again. I like working out more when I’m lighter. It’s easier to do. Also I have to stay under a certain weight because the trampoline only holds 118 lbs. so if I get heavier than that I’m not allowed to jump on it. My trampoline is pink I love it. I do knee jump kicks and I can touch the ceiling if I raise my arms above my head. I really fly. I’m supposed to drink a bottle of water right now I will be back after I do that and take the blood clings off. And after I eat a burrito.
Tuesday, 12:24 p.m.: I don’t feel like taking the window clings off. It’s gonna be minimal effort. I haven’t done it yet. I will tho’. The feeling I will feel after having accomplished that task will be amazing. I probably won’t do it until it’s dark. I don’t know why. I should do it now while the sun is up because the windows will be warmer and there’ll be less blow drying needed. All I have to do is stand up and go get the extension cord and plug one end into the wall and the other end into the hair dryer. Then the problem is I have to stand and stare at it while holding the dryer. Then peel it off. It’s just the little tasks of it. If you said, “Panda, can u build me a pillow fort today?” I’d say sure and get right on that right now. Because the possibilities are greater. I already know what’s going to happen when I take the window clings off. The windows will look exactly how they did before. Boring. I don’t KNOW what would happen if I built a pillow fort. I could watch movies in it, I could eat soup and beans in it and pretend I’m camping, I could read Aldramark a story … . I could be like, pretending that I’m running from a man on the street, he saw me when I was outside and said, “Hey!” and I screamed and ran and then he said “HEY!” louder and I got so scared I was running so fast it felt like I wasn’t even moving and I was crying and just wanted to go home and now I am and I’m in a safe zone. I think I’m going to build a fort today and make it a movie theater and that way I can watch a movie to review for my review column in MeghaZine. I messed up last month I forgot to watch a movie. I have to make this month’s good to make up for it. Mark said so. He rules MeghaZine with an iron fist.
Tuesday, 1:01 p.m.: I built my fort.
Tuesday, 1:29 p.m.: I wonder why other people sprays have wi-fi problems but I personally don’t. I thought for a while people were saying “wi-fi” as code for “Panda is here,” and every time I’d hear someone talk about their wi-fi, I would get sad. I don’t get sad anymore though because I don’t care if anyone gets upset if I’m around. I’m allowed to do almost everything that I want to do. That’s how being alive works. Plant gardens, learn things, understand and be kind to everything that is alive, be happy, spread happiness, love, and snacks. That’s the meaning of life.
Tuesday, 6:04 p.m.: Cooper came in and woofed at my fort. He doesn’t like things out of place. Everything is back where it goes now! I had a good time playing in it, I watched Perez Hilton on Bigo Live, this new app it’s really fun. Meghan got kicked out of the room and I think accidentally got Perez kicked off for a second she felt hoooorrrible. They have very straight rules apparently you can’t even say “naked” out loud on there. But all is ok, everyone got back in and on, and someone in the comments said, “Fight the resistance, Meghan Jenkins!” And she loved that.
I made another promo while I was in my fort! This one is going to star Mark, and I love it.
I’m going to go to bed early tonight because I want too. Goodnight, xoxo 💋 Panda!
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Today is WEDNESDAY
Wednesday, 6:43 a.m.: Good morning!! I woke myself and Cooper AND Meghan and Aldramark up by farting very loudly. It was an accident, I was asleep too. But I woke up in the middle of it and Cooper was staring at me and got off the bed and Meghan said, “PANDA!” and we all laughed. I put the sheets in the wash so they don’t have a fart on them anymore and I gave Cooper apology Milk-Bones. He is looking for a spot to put them right now.
Wednesday, 3:19 p.m.: I have done some things in between my last entry and right now. I have also changed outfits twice. The first one I had on has maroon tights with honey designs but not fishnets, jeans shorts, and a yellow/green/whiteish long sleeve nice shirt with buttons. Right now I have on orange/brown colored match set with cheetahs 🐆 all over. Not the print. The actual cat. No shoes. Here’s what I have done since I woke up:
I mowed and watered the lawn.
I went with Meghan and Cooper to the vet for Cooper’s re-check. He was a good boy.
I gave Cooper a bath.
I watched Perez Hilton on Bigo Live again and no one got kicked off this time.
I was helping Meghan with something and my hands are green now. Not permanently though.
Wednesday, 3:31 p.m.: I found out one of my songs was played on the radio! On KALX 90.7 FM Berkeley! I didn’t know till the next day tho’. Today. I just found out. It happened yesterday. It might have happened a lot before and I had no idea.
I also just remembered my third album is supposed to come out today I forgot let me go check on what’s up with that. BRB xoxo Panda ❤️
Wednesday, 5:38 p.m.: I ❤️ wi-fi!!!
Xoxo Panda 🐼💋✨
P.S.: Meghan told me how the Mark Aldrich and Panda show is going to end when it ends, and I don’t like it. She said it’s ok though because it’s not real it’s just a show. I don’t need to get upset.
Wednesday, 8:01 p.m.: I just poured Liquid Drano in the sinks, and I’m going to watch Three’s Company for a little bit before bed. I have had a great day!!!!! Xoxo Love Panda!
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Thursday, 8:30 a.m.: Good morning everyone! I am awake. I have been up for a little while now, it’s going to be hot today. I watered the lawn and planted seeds for more flowers and orange trees, that will be fun to have oranges whenever I want for free. I hope the rats don’t eat them. It’s going to be a long while from now though so there’s time to plan.
Thursday, 12:31 p.m.: Perez Hilton was on Bigo Live again. That so is fun, everyone goes “Hi!” and is real nice. There’s going to be a workout show tomorrow that I’m gonna do. In the morning. I can do it. I’ll be fine.
Thursday, 3:45 p.m.: It’s nap time. I haven’t been napping as much and I miss it. I got an invite for the █████████ comedy show, on their live show. Maybe I’ll be going on that tonight, but I don’t know if Meghan will let me. She said, “Panda, ████████ is just messing with you. He thinks he’s clever, but if you are bored and have a good time go for it.” I’m gonna go for it.
Thursday, 7:45 p.m.: I think I’m gonna be on the show soon they just said my name is up next.
Thursday, 8:01 p.m.: I think Meghan is right. I see why she doesn’t go on that show herself anymore. They were doing this silly hold off/disrespectful/ohhh we don’t care about Panda thing, and I know damn well they DO at least as much as they’re worried I’ll take over their whole show. That’s not my fault. I am what I am. I just want to have fun and make friends and have us all do the things we do together and we could all do something really cool for the world. That’s ok. There are plenty of other people. He’s not really funny anyway, which IS funny because he’s in comedy. I thought they were nice and smart, maybe I was wrong. It’s ok to change your mind and be wrong about things. I don’t mind it. I’m not upset. I’m gonna log off of this show here now tho’ because I’ve had this whole waiting time to blog about it while they talk about nothing just to hold me off on purpose. Silly. Rude. Whatever.
Thursday, 9:00 p.m.: I made TikToks and posted them and now I’m going to go to bed.
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Friday, 8:10 a.m.: Good morning!! I woke up at 6:59 but I didn’t blog it. I had to workout! Perez is doing morning workouts on Bigo Live until Thanksgiving and it’s soooo much easier to work out when someone online is saying, “Keep going!” and “Don’t give up! Well, sometimes you can give up, that’s ok.” Haha! That was a lot of fun. And good for my body. I am motivated and ready to bathe now.
Friday, 10:01 a.m.: I took the blood clings off the window finally: it was easy.
Here they are in a wad.
Also, new gummy ranking. Wait: VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!! NEW GUMMY FLAVOR RANKING!!
There are three ties: GOGO and women’s multi tied, probiotic and Hello Happy tied with each other, and bedtime beauty and undeniable beauty tied. This was incredibly exciting. What a Friday!!
Friday, 12:30 p.m.: Do you want to see my crockpots? I’ll show you. The one on the left has beans and the one on the right is minestrone soup.
That’s a real rainbow!
Friday, 6:00 p.m.: I just woke up from a nap. I had some nightmares. I don’t remember all of it. I was running up very fancy crumbling stone spiral stairs and then at another part I was in a pool and it was SO FANCY. A very rich expensive pool from like Hearst Castle kinda but not as ornate. Anyway I was swimming and getting out of the pool on my own and then I looked over and saw someone in the pool who couldn’t get out themselves so I jumped back in the pool to help them and they were like, “GAH! AGH!” and struggling and wiggling but I was like, “I know how to get out! I did it! I was out and I came back for you! Here is a boogie board!” And then I woke up. I don’t know what happened next. I wish we could keep playing dreams after we are awake to see what happens. But I have an adrenaline rush. I like it.
Friday, 8:00 p.m.: It’s time for bed! And dreams. I mowed the lawn today, I do it the way Martha Stewart says too. I even have a mix of clover so it stays green and lush. I am getting into a good routine. I am growing up. I do everything I’m supposed to, even if I put it off sometimes. If I want to nap, I nap. If I want to dance, I dance! And right now I want to put on my brown fuzzy feet pajamas and my purple panda sweatshirt and get tucked into bed. I want a story tonight. It’s been a while. I want to hear the story about the panda who persevered. A story about a panda who, against all odds, overcame the presumed inevitable fall. A story about a panda who knew who she was and knew so hard that she didn’t care if anyone said anything negative about her. I want to hear a story about a panda who was different from all the others and no matter how many times people were mean to her or tried to make her go away she knew what she saw in these people because she has it inside of her to. Even more so. She’s the strongest of them all. They just couldn’t see it yet. THAT’S a good story.
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Meghan Jenkins is an actor, comedian, radio personality, artist, author, musician, model.
As a model, Meghan has been invited by Maxim and Miss Jetset magazines to compete several times in contests to appear on a future magazine cover. Fans vote for their favorite model.
On December 14, 2021, Safety Date, Meghan Jenkins’ second book, was published. Meghan writes, “This book is dedicated to life, love and romance. This is also a humor book. Don’t take this too seriously. Whatever you have been through, if you are married or single, this book is for you. Safety first.”
The Adventures of Pizza Alien, a novel of interlocking short stories by Meghan Jenkins, is is available through Lulu.com and the online book retailers Amazon and Barnes & Noble. The Adventures of Pizza Alien is available for $18.
Panda’s Dance Party, Meghan’s first album, was released in December 2020. It is available to purchase, download, and stream on every music platform: Spotify, Apple Music, iTunes Store, Amazon Music, deezer, Tidal, Pandora, Juno Download.
Meghan is a brand ambassador for Pineapple Clothing. Use the code “MegJen” for a 20% discount!
Meghan’s new internet comedy show, “Mark Aldrich and Panda,” debuted in August 2021.
You can see each episode of Meghan’s previous internet show here: Camp Panda.
Meghan is the founder and host of the live comedy improv show The The Ding Wrong Show, recorded on Zoom and seen on YouTube.
In 2018-’19, she was one of the feature performers in the longest running improv comedy show at The World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California, The Ding Dong Show.
Follow Meghan on Instagram!
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.