Dear Pizza Alien,

I just got a new roommate and he is clean and everything, friendly guy, that’s not the issue. The problem is, he does sit-ups all the time and tries to make me watch. But they’re like weird sit-ups. He will hold his body in a V position, legs up, and he will be like, “Ugh! Yes! My core!” and “Time me, please.” And then I have to count how many seconds he can hold it. I don’t want to be doing this any more. He cooks great and keeps all the doors locked and has otherwise been the best roommate I’ve ever had. He seems sensitive though, and I’m not sure how to bring this up.

Thank you, Ryan F., California

Dear Ryan,

When he asks you to count for him, screw up the numbers on purpose. Instead of 1, 2, 3 … go 1, 6, 20, 7, 8 … and so on. If he hands you a Shark watch or some other kind of timer, just keep dropping it and say, “Ooops! Butterfingers!” or pretend you can’t read the screen. But definitely apologize and be nice as though you really want to help but to have you involved with counting probably isn’t the best idea. I think this should work. Good luck!!

Love, Pizza Alien
Continue reading “Ask Pizza Alien … November 2020” →

Dear Pizza Alien,

I just got this really neat shag rug for my bedroom floor to over up a paint spill. But the shag rug needed cleaning, so I got out the vacuum and then the shag got stuck in the suction. Now I have to buy a new vacuum. Which brand do you like to use? Thank you.

Signed, Sarah M., Arkansas

Dear Sarah,

I like Hoover. Also I Googled and it says use low suction setting for shag rug. Good Luck!

Love, Pizza Alien

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Dear Pizza Alien,

I have to get glasses. I don’t want to wear them all the time and I don’t want to have to remember them and keep them clean, it’s just all so much hassle. What would happen if I don’t get them?

Gah, Thank you Pizza ❤ from Gregory
Continue reading “Ask Pizza Alien … October 2020” →

Dear Pizza Alien,

I finally found some friends and have been having a good time hanging out with them at my house when my mom’s not home. (We aren’t doing anything bad.) We listen to music and lift weights and just talk and stuff. But my mom has these two renters at the house and all of my friends and I are under 18. I’m concerned that they are only still staying at the house because they are attracted to my friends that are girls. I haven’t said anything yet, and maybe they’re attracted to my friends that are boys. Either way, I just don’t understand why anyone would want to live with a bunch of underage kids they aren’t related too. I would like, want a calmer space I could bring dates home too. What should I do?

Signed, Jailbait Jimmy

Dear Jimmy,

That sure seems weird. Ummm … I’m not sure what area you are from since your letter didn’t say, but I do think you are okay for wondering about the renters’ motives. Even though it’s pandemic times, if your family is comfortable having people over they should be comfortable enough to check around locally for diff living situation. Maybe, you can trap them: set up traps and tape their reactions to all your friends male and female and keep record of it to show police if necessary. You are so smart for noticing this Jimmy. Good luck!!!

(Appropriate) Hugs.

Love, Pizza Alien

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Dear Pizza Alien,

My damn socks get dirty on the bottom all the time and I hate it. I don’t want to have to wear socks and shoes but I just want to wear socks and keep them clean. I don’t want to put stuff over them like work slip paper booties cause that’s dumb I just want my socks to stay clean and not get hairs in the bottom or crumbs from muffins. I mean WTF I’m not gonna clean my damn floor all the time I have a life.

F.—Daniel

Continue reading “Ask Pizza Alien … September 2020” →